Gas station
Headed to the gas station after work today. I was out of gas and had 20 miles to drive to get home, but I'm still broke and I wasn't sure if I would be have the money to pay. The gas station is right next to the hospital where I work. When I pulled up I thought I saw one of my coworkers and I briefly considered borrowing $5 from her before i realized it wasn't her. I've never had to do such a thing before and I hope I never have to. In any case, I found an old credit card and was able to use it to fill up.
As I was getting back in my car to leave, the coworker I had thought I'd seen before pulled up. She mentioned that she figured she might as well take advantage of the relatively warm weather to get gas (it was still freezing and the lot was a disgusting slushy mess--I definitely wouldn't have stopped if I didn't have to.)
I am curious if she would have decided to stop if I hadn't been thinking about her in a kind of desperate moment...almost like I called her to me. Another potentially important detail here is that I'd eaten lunch with this coworker the week before at a restaurant across the street from the gas station and while I looked through my wallet for cash, I stared over at the restaurant and thought about the lunch.
I decided to go ahead and tell the full version of the story here because I think my state of mind may have been important to this sync. Yes, it's shameful for me to be admitting publicly how broke I am, but I'm not sure why I should feel ashamed. It's not like I'm gambling my money away or buying myself expensive junk, or willfully deciding not to work. Perhaps my financial woes have more to do with my inability to stay organized and stay on budget...so the shame starts there. And I guess another shameful thing is that I'm a dedicated professional that can barely survive with a basic standard of living...and if I were smarter I would figure out a way to not live like this, from paycheck to paycheck.
There is another part of me that understands that the shame is rooted in American society...we love money and stuff, we aspire to be rich, and we trust that the poor are poor for a reason that they can be blamed for. Just the other day I heard a bank's ad for Christmas loans on the radio. The banker explained that people that take out holiday loans "aren't bad people, they've just made a mistake." I know many people that are in the same situation or far worse, so I share my story openly in hopes that I can leave the shame behind. Besides, I believe that things will eventually improve, so I feel ok.
As I was getting back in my car to leave, the coworker I had thought I'd seen before pulled up. She mentioned that she figured she might as well take advantage of the relatively warm weather to get gas (it was still freezing and the lot was a disgusting slushy mess--I definitely wouldn't have stopped if I didn't have to.)
I am curious if she would have decided to stop if I hadn't been thinking about her in a kind of desperate moment...almost like I called her to me. Another potentially important detail here is that I'd eaten lunch with this coworker the week before at a restaurant across the street from the gas station and while I looked through my wallet for cash, I stared over at the restaurant and thought about the lunch.
I decided to go ahead and tell the full version of the story here because I think my state of mind may have been important to this sync. Yes, it's shameful for me to be admitting publicly how broke I am, but I'm not sure why I should feel ashamed. It's not like I'm gambling my money away or buying myself expensive junk, or willfully deciding not to work. Perhaps my financial woes have more to do with my inability to stay organized and stay on budget...so the shame starts there. And I guess another shameful thing is that I'm a dedicated professional that can barely survive with a basic standard of living...and if I were smarter I would figure out a way to not live like this, from paycheck to paycheck.
There is another part of me that understands that the shame is rooted in American society...we love money and stuff, we aspire to be rich, and we trust that the poor are poor for a reason that they can be blamed for. Just the other day I heard a bank's ad for Christmas loans on the radio. The banker explained that people that take out holiday loans "aren't bad people, they've just made a mistake." I know many people that are in the same situation or far worse, so I share my story openly in hopes that I can leave the shame behind. Besides, I believe that things will eventually improve, so I feel ok.
Maybe the money shortage is happening for a reason. So far, it has brought you to a magical encounter with “the real St. Nick” and a very cool synchro / telepathy with a coworker. Perhaps if you approach the temporary money shortage as a puzzle or game and look for the creative opportunities in it, it will make sense. I have to listen to myself – I, too, am going through a money shortage that makes me feel ashamed and like I’ve done something wrong.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Sheila. I like to think that it's happening for a reason. I do feel very blessed because I have so many people around me that are helping me get through these tough times. Furthermore, I think that life is giving me a chance to learn a big lesson and I value the experience. I don't think it would hurt if everyone lived a period of their lives under similar circumstances (not so poor that they couldn't eat, keep a roof over their head, or get access to healthcare if they need it, but poor enough that they can understand what it is like. And when I consider all that I do have, I'm actually extremely lucky and rich.)
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